I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
