Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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