only if we run a train.
done.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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