My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
