Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize