I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
