i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize