my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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