Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
