I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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