Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We talked him into tasing himself.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
