I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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