theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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