kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
