have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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