Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
