An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
