it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize