So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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