he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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