New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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