Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
