this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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