So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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