omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
