Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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