I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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