When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
