Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize