i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
