I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
