He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
