I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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