Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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