dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
