i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
