Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
