You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
