Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
