i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
