pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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