I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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