i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
