You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
