There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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