Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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