she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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