Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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