The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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