Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
