Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
