The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
