Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
