There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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