every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
