Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
