i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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