dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
