I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
