Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
