The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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