I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
