Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
