Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
