We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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