My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
